I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
