my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
