You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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