he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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