Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
