I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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