ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So much Jack, so little girl.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
