you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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