he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize