i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
