he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I could fuck to npr.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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