Your mouth is God's brothel.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I forget how to act sober
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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