then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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