Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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