I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize