You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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