Christians are straight up FREAKS
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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