he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
