Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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