A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
