i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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