i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
