I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
