He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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