I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
