Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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