Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
