Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize