Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
