There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
