I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
