Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
