just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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