i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
