I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize