I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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