I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
