i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize