I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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