I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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