I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
