I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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