Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
