Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
