yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
