If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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