why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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