ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
