If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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