Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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