Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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