sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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