It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
