this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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