I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
