that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
