i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
