So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
