My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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