Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
