just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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